5 Easy Steps to Pissing Off Your Wife

This post is a guide for men that may stumble across this blog and not know the finer points of how to piss off you wife. Every step that I talk about was done in one day to me by my very accomplished husband. He is the master of pissing his wife off. He needs a medal for it or something.

1. When your wife asks you to do the dishes because there are only three clean bottles giver her lip about it. Mention that you might like a day off now and then from doing chores. Never mind that doing the dishes is your only chore and the reason there are only three clean bottles is that you did not do the dishes YESTERDAY! Also ignore the fact that she never gets a break from her work.
2. When she is busy making a new and complex dinner recipe allow the baby to work himself into a frenzy of crying. Then proceed to ignore all of her advice on how to calm the baby. Bring the screaming child into the kitchen and complain that nothing is working. When she suggests taking him on a walk outside, walk five feet from the front door then come back and complain that the walk didn't work. Put the baby in his crib and then take the toddler on a walk so YOU don't have to hear the baby crying because it is giving YOU a headache.
3. Flick water onto your wife's face. After having such a stressful dinner she is sure to be in a fun and playful mood. Act surprised when she gets very mad at having to clean the water off of her glasses.
4. Allow the bath water to get very deep so that some must be drained out so that the baby will not drown in the tub. Complain that you were so busy with bathing the toddler that you could not possible pay attention to something as trivial as the depth of the water. Ignore the fact that only days earlier you scolded for being unable to multi task because she burnt part of dinner.
5. Throw a towel in her face because you are mad at her for being mad at you about the water. Then get all passive aggressive and state that since nothing you have done today meets with her approval then you will do nothing in future. Then tell her that she does nothing in the house and you do everything. Feel all superior because about once a month you clean the kitchen (ignoring the floor that has not been mopped in weeks) and you fold some of the laundry now and then. Ignore the fact that everything else that is needed to run the household is done by her.

I swear some days I want to run away and hide. I want him to be stuck at home with the kids all freaking day. I want him to know what it feels like to know that if you want to go anywhere you have to drag two children along. I want him to quit thinking that because he goes to work he is entitled to slack off when he gets home. I want him to stop acting like the kids keep him from his hobbies. He spends an awful lot of time on the computer for someone that "has to take care of the kids the second he gets home" I want him to listen to my suggestions about how to calm the baby. I swear the second that baby starts crying his brain shuts down.

My husband can be the most frustrating person alive. It seems to me that the days he does the sweetest things (like get me 1 gig of memory for my digital camera as a birthday gift) and then hours later he becomes the biggest ass ever.