Wednesday, July 19, 2006

My facade


I am the strong one. I don't get upset or worried about things. I take life as it happened, never letting things throw me. I am generally a pretty mellow person. I don't really let too many people get a peek into the real me, preferring to keep people at a distance.

It truly shocked me when I actually got queasy when I tried to call Evan's surgeon to talk about a date for his surgery. Thank goodness the surgeon's assistant was not there because I don't know if I could have talked to her.

I had thought I was prepared for this surgery. I knew it was coming long ago. It has been an unwelcome presence always hovering in my mind when I made plans for anything. I should be glad that it is happening soon because that means it will be over that much sooner and then we can all get on with life.

I am not happy that the surgery is looming in the near future. I am scared that something could happen to my wonderful son. When he had his first surgery we were still in shock at finding out that our first born was not the perfect little baby that we had imagined. We really had not been given a chance to bond so my feelings pre surgery were not nearly as strong.

The second time around he was still a little baby but his personality had started to emerge. I had also joins a few online support groups for parents like me. I had heard about all the scary things that could happen. Several children were lost in the month that preceded Evan's second surgery so I was very much on edge. He made it through the surgery but then a week after he was out of the hospital he had his stroke.

Now Evan is a toddler. He is no longer a baby. He has wants and needs that he can make known. He loves playing with his cars and being outside. His favorite food is fish. He loves being on the go and playing outside. He is a very real person that I have gotten to know so well in his two short years on this earth. It is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done to leave that operating room with out him in my arms and trust that everything will end up fine.

4 comments:

chichimama said...

Big hugs for you. I can't imagine how hard this must be, but you are doing great. And the alternative is equally scarey. Hang in there...

Gina said...

Yes, I couldn't even imagine what you are going through. It is hard to be strong all the time, especially when you aren't feeling that way on the inside.

I'm not sure there is anything anybody could say to make you feel better, but you and your family will be in my thoughts.

fancypantsnancy said...

ditto

Christina said...

I have friends in my city facing a similar type of surgery to finally fix their daughter's heart defect in about 6 months. I know how they feel about it, and I can only imagine how scary it must be.

That facade will help you to be strong for your son. Even if its usually an act, you have that strength and can tap into it to get you through this. And hopefully this surgery will be a complete success and he will be healthier than ever.