Contradictions

I am very much a person that is pro breastfeeding yet my son is formula fed. I know all the wonderful and magical things that come when you nurse your child and yet I mix bottles of formula for my son.

Nursing for us was pretty much a doomed prospect. When Harry was hours old the nurses were giving him formula because his blood sugar was low (Ha! So much for their assumption that because he was a giant child at birth that I must have had gestational diabetes). He was also tongue tied and having rapid breathing issues (which sent him to the NICU) so nursing was really hard.

Once he got clipped and got rid of the excess fluid in his lungs which was causing the rapid breathing he was very much into the instant gratification of the bottle. I could have pumped for him. I could have even tried using a nipple shield but I just did not have it in me. I pumped for 14 months for Evan but then he was my only child and more medically frail than Harry in the first place so it was more imperative that I get him the breastmilk.

After dealing with a child that has eating issues where every feeding was a struggle I was quite frankly happy that he was eating. If I was a better mother I may have decided to fight harder to keep the nursing going but the reality is that Harry is my second child. I have to feed Evan and him every two hours and adding pumping into the mix would have just meant that I would never be able to leave the house. I was going nuts doing it and I had my mother and husband at home to help with the kids. I felt like that all I was doing was feeding and pumping.

Selfishly I also wanted my body back. I have been pregnant and nursing for over two years. That takes a lot out of a person especially when you have large babies and also have to deal with the health issues of one of the kids. It is so nice that I can leave the house and not have to rush back to be in time for the next feeding. I can go to a girl's night out and not have to bring the baby.

So while I know all the wonders of breast milk I am not crying over not nursing (well not too hard any way). I know that my Harry will survive this decision and that it is very likely that he will grow up to be just as bright as his elder brother.